Jill Filipovic is the author of The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness. Follow These Tips. How to ask for your girl friend’s father for permission to marry his daughter. You love the idea of sharing a last name. Buy It, Prince Harry Speaks Out About the Capitol Riot, 10 Cute Spring 2021 Bag Trends. So to be clear, no one is drawing a feminist line in the sand, with every woman whose husband asked her father for his blessing on the “Bad Feminist” side. Asking your girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage can be SUPER intimidating. You don’t have to necessarily ask her father, but at least let someone in her immediate family know of your intentions of marriage. But respect for whom – and at who’s expense? First and foremost, “Will you marry me?” should never be a real question – that is, one you don’t know the answer to and haven’t discussed extensively. 10. Ms. Cox (nee Knowles) says that while asking for her father’s permission was a formality, she wanted Mr. Cox to do so. When you give it to him, you’ll set yourself apart from every other guy under 30 in his life — including all his daughter’s ex-boyfriends. As marriage has gotten more egalitarian, it’s also gotten better. Before I proposed to my girlfriend, Megan, who I’ve been dating a little more than a year, I wanted to ask her father for his blessing. Its a good way of proposing means before proposing her just take a support of her father .And here think to be is you should be very careful while dealing with her parent.That's all.Be prepared. Share Tweet Flip. They shouldn’t. James Bassil. If you don’t, your failure to do so will haunt you forever. 0. If distance makes an in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and, barring that, a phone call. She might decide to wait for her Dad’s blessing before accepting. These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. You know that you know that you know that you know… It’s healthy to question, to be concerned, and to be nervous. Add Opinion. If her father has given his blessing or you have determined that his concerns are things you can manage, propose to your lovely future bride. Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. Your over-the-top proposal will also give her something to slap down other women with... AskMen, Become a Better Man, Big Shiny Things, Mantics and guyQ are among the federally registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without explicit permission. You've got it all planned. There are few things that demonstrate less respect for an adult woman than asking her dad if she’s allowed to make one of the biggest decisions of her life. Of course, a lot of heterosexual couples do a kind of hybrid between tradition and modernity – they have a series of conversations about marriage and make the mutual decision to wed, and then the future groom has a conversation with his future wife’s father. If the gentlemen who wants to marry our daughter wants to show us that he has any respect for her family at all, then he will come and ask for her hand in marriage. This is a nod to history, and a sign of respect for the family you are seeking to join. Phantasm01. Her father passed away about three years ago. My story hits a snag, however, when I get into the least plannable and thus most stressful part of the proposal experience: You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. According to a 2015 survey from TheKnot.com of what appear to be overwhelmingly heterosexual couples, more than three-quarters of men ask for permission from their partner’s father or parents before they propose. Here’s why. But why romanticize the asking-permission tradition that came out of such backward laws? Asking your girlfriend’s parents for … 1; 2; Page 2 of 2. Believe me, I know – this is personal for me, because I’m getting married in a few months. Before popping the question to her father, make sure that you and your girlfriend are on the same page. Challenging conventional wedding traditions may be low on the list of feminist priorities, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important to take a hard look at the rituals and norms we hold dear, or participate in without much thought. Part of the reason human beings rely on tradition is because it’s a shortcut to traversing complex and important life events in a way that makes everyone comfortable and won’t hurt any feelings. It is indeed traditional to ask a woman’s father if you can marry her, because traditionally, marriage was a property transfer – with you, the bride, as the property. Talking to Your Girlfriend’s Parents Plan what you're going to say. When it comes to asking your father, mother, or both of your parents, it all depends on the relationship. You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. (See also the ubiquity of “Future Mrs. Whatever” marital paraphernalia that adorns bachelorette parties and wedding-day getting-ready robes to “you may kiss the bride.”). Overall, though, you should be confident in the relationship. Tip Number 6 – If you Can’t Ask her Father. There’s a lot about American marriage traditions that are sexist, and a lot of sexism that gets rewritten as romance. With possibly Greek or Italian, I would ask the parents two or three weeks before proposing. Does he … That’s part of the point. I could ask Mom on the phone before I propose. Wide-Ranging Trends Point to a Banner Year Ahead for Men’s Grooming, A Guide to the Top Barbershop Hairstyles for Men, From Fades to Deep Waves, These Are the Best Hairstyles for Black Men, Shopping for an Engagement Ring? Happy that the laws around marriage and women have been overhauled so you can be a married woman and an individual with a full set of rights? Do it in person. I seek your collective wisdom regarding proper etiquette here, and any experience you might have had on this. It's not a sign of respect. Giving A Quality Wedding Toast Is Easier Than You'd Think. It’s the final days of August, which means summer wedding season is finally winding down, and we’ll have a few months of respite before the holiday engagement season – and the attendant ring-on-hand selfies that flood your Facebook feed -- kicks in. June 4, 2013 . And of course participating in some of the less-than-feminist aspects of engagement and marriage isn’t always a sacrifice – lots of women, myself included, have found a lot of fun in the frivolity of sparkly jewelry or a magical white dress. If distance makes an in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and, barring that, a phone call. Now, to the second hardest part—the actual proposal. You will not have a single better opportunity to stock her up on positive memories than at the moment of your proposal. Cosmopolitan participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites. So let’s tackle each. Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. In those bad old days, a married woman (or married girl, as the case often was) couldn’t own property or refuse sex, or have any separate legal existence from her husband; women were barred from voting in part because the husband was a wife’s legal representative. V-Day Books to Read Before/After/Instead of a Date, Thinking About the SoulCycle At-Home Bike? Alternatively, she might agree with you and agree to marry you while you both work things … Is it common in your culture? And while I suspect most couples today would say that they see marriage as a partnership of equals, that claim is undermined when couples also embrace the bizarre and outdated ideals that persist in the language and rituals of this union. In other words, no one loses their feminist card for playing into some of these tropes, or just deciding they would rather avoid a fight than take a feminist stance. If your girl is someone who puts a lot of value on family and tradition, then asking her father is an absolute must. Bucking tradition is never easy. This is a nod to history, and a sign of respect for the family you are seeking to join. In most Western cultures it's not necessary. ... have no bearing on whether or not he will propose, he points out. I do not recommend you to ask him in passing as if you are asking if you can have a beer from his fridge. Asking her father for her hand is an old fashioned, but quaint way of doing things. You Want to Talk With Your Significant Other First. And it remains, for many people who enter into it, a significant turning point in their adult lives. According to a 2015 survey from TheKnot.com of what appear to be overwhelmingly heterosexual couples, more than three-quarters of men ask for permission from their … “I was only 24 years old at the time. Navigating the landscape of American marital norms – and trying to do so in a way that feels like an authentic reflection of my own values, my partner’s values, and the relationship we are building – is a tiptoe around landmines, and feminism is just one. We are very traditional family in most things. I could ask Mom on the phone before I propose. “Respect,” the answer goes. He wants your respect, but has been socialized to no longer expect it. After all, she can think for herself. It depends. Well, yes, it is kind of old-school, in the same way that opening the car door for her is. Still, there are other ways to honor the rituals of marriage and the joining-together of two people, and two families, than asking dad’s permission. Talk to her parents as soon as possible .. after you first talk to her. Well, guess what? Do it in person. By: Sharp Staff | January 9, 2018 Tagged With: Marriage , Q&A100 , Relationships Are Overrated Anyway Just don’t do it by text message! Should You Plan the Wedding Before You're Engaged? Here are … I seek your collective wisdom regarding proper etiquette here, and any experience you might have had on this. But neither, I hear, is marriage. You should know the answers to those questions before proposing. In an Anglo-Saxon culture in present times you do not need to ask the girls parents first. “Asking her father for her hand in marriage before you ask her, may seem cheesy, but it also may endear you to her folks (priceless) and not doing so may disappoint,” she said in an interview. Women don’t typically ask their boyfriends’ mothers for permission to wed, because for women, marriage isn’t seen as the taking-in of someone else; instead, you’re the one whose identity is being erased, and it’s you who’s being taken. Feminists have to hold these two ideas simultaneously: That all of us partake in sexist cultural norms to some degree or another, and also that it’s imperative for feminists to unflinchingly critique sexist cultural norms. SEE MORE: ... 10 Adorable Ways to Propose on Valentine’s Day. Start out expressing your feelings for his daughter. You and your partner may have talked about having the same last name—that’s a sign that you’re both comfortable with the idea of … In other words, more men talk to their girlfriend’s father about a plan to marry than talk about marriage, in serious and relatively immediate terms, to the woman they actually want to marry. Criticizing couples’ choices, especially around what is supposed to be a joyous and celebratory event, is fraught territory. In the months before they propose to their partners, men across America will be popping a different question – to their future fiancé’s father, asking for his blessing to marry his daughter. She’ll love the gesture and will be flattered by your manners. ... how and when should you approach your partners parent(s), and who should you ask? 4. I think the best way to start off the conversation … My dad wants to know his future son-in-law is committed to me, but doesn't necessarily need to be … The most popular arguments in favor of ask-dad-first seem to be tradition and respect. Just don’t do it by text message! Since she lived with her step-father but remained very close with her father as well, she says the men were like “a team in raising her.” Knowing the value of both men in Alex’s life, Brandon knew if he wanted to ask permission to marry Alex, it would be important to her that he ask both of the men who raised her. It demonstrates that you’re serious about joining their family and about the marriage itself. Since she lived with her step-father but remained very close with her father as well, she says the men were like “a team in raising her.” Knowing the value of both men in Alex’s life, Brandon knew if he wanted to ask permission to marry Alex, it would be important to her that he ask both of the men who raised her. ... have no bearing on whether or not he will propose, he points out. Here are 9 tips to help you prepare for the big discussion before you propose. Is that something that would make her and her father's life more wonderful? Read this expert advice on who to ask, how to ask it, and when! This is especially true when we’re making a decision to enter into an institution that is, judging by its entire history, a sexist one. It would be a good idea to ask her when it would be the best time to meet with her parents. Should I Ask My Girlfriend's Father Before I Propose to Her? Which is why those of us in feminist relationships should reject that norm – or at least understand that by partaking in it, we’re reinforcing a deeply sexist practice. Shares. © 2021 Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. All Rights Reserved. As love has become more important to marriage than money and joining families, the traditions have changed too. Thank a feminist. We know it’s a little old fashion, but it’s still preferred for men to ask the girlfriend’s family for permission before proposing. Men who pride themselves on manners, etiquette, and old-school charm will undoubtedly ask permission because it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. He doesn’t want to be your buddy. Most Helpful Girls. ), This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. Furthermore, consider every element of your proposal to be an item on a romance checklist that she will soon be cross-referencing with the checklists of her married female friends. As tradition has it, you must ask for her father's blessing before you get down on one knee. Here's How It's Done. This is what my partner and I did – after months of conversation, we decided to get married, and then we both talked with all our parents about our decision (they were thrilled, and no one was put off by not being consulted for their permission). This is his daughter, so giving her away won’t come easy for him. Wondering “should I propose?” The “should we have kids” discussion is pretty key. Should you ask her father before you pop the question? If your relationship is a pairing of equals, and you want your marriage to be about two equal partners, why not treat the deciding-to-get-married process the same way? It demonstrates that you’re serious about joining their family and about the marriage itself. Should I Ask My Girlfriend's Father Before I Propose to Her? The legal landscape of marriage has blessedly changed, and no longer does marriage mean that “husband and wife are one, [and] the one is the husband,” as it was under the law of coverture, when women gave up nearly all of their individual rights upon marriage. folding their names and identities into their husbands, The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness, Please Don't Use This Proposal Cell Phone Case. 0. A proposal should be a ritual and formality, a sweet moment that comes after in-depth discussions about why you want to get married, what marriage means, what it will look like, and when you want to do it. Lazy-A** Men Can Pay Someone to Plan Their Proposal. And respecting a woman means not treating her like property, a stereotype instead of an individual, or an appendage to yourself – which means not expecting she take your name, not expecting she’ll do more of the at-home work because she’s the woman, and not asking her father if it’s OK to marry her. It’s a good idea to try and warm your father-in-law up a little bit before you ask him. Depending on how close you are to your respective families, part of that ongoing conversation may very well include them, but it’s possible to involve all of your parents in a conversation about your impending marriage in a respectful way, without playing into misogynist ideas about what marriage means. These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. But perhaps second only to women overwhelmingly folding their names and identities into their husbands when they marry is men asking their girlfriend’s father for permission to marry her. In an attempt to “respect” a woman’s father, you’re disrespecting her. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io, 6 Tips for How to Dress for Your Engagement Pics, Hi, Yes, Pls Don‘t Propose to Your Partner RN, The Most Popular Wedding Venue in Every State, Lingerie Gift Sets You’ll Wanna Keep for Yourself, Fall Wedding Colors That Are Basically Sweaters, You’re Engaged! Does she really want to marry you? Her mother, step-dad, or even her uncle should be treated with the same respect. Before jumping the gun and sitting down with her … You deferred to him for the simple reason that he had toughed through more of life than you had, and because you knew that your gestures of respect would later entitle you to similar groveling from your own future son-in-law. Xper 5 +1 y. Asking Her Parents For Permission Before You Propose It’s traditional to ask your true love’s father for permission before you propose, or to ask both parents for their blessing. 22 Things Nobody Tells You About Getting Married, Buying Her The Perfect Diamond Ring Doesn't Have To Be Daunting, Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. If her father is no longer alive, or if his whereabouts are unknown, don’t assume that you can ignore this tradition altogether. Gender equality isn’t just about getting laws on the books; it’s about changing a culture that situates men as dominant and women as subordinate. It depends. Follow her on Twitter. April also suggests if you do decide to ask pops for her hand, be sure you do it close enough to the big day to minimize the chance of word getting out. Ms. Cox (nee Knowles) says that while asking for her father’s permission was a formality, she wanted Mr. Cox to do so. It’s respectful: visiting her father before the proposal shows that you care about both your fiancee’s wishes (assuming she would want you to ask for his blessing) and her father’s wishes, too. (Remember Purses? April also suggests if you do decide to ask pops for her hand, be sure you do it close enough to the big day to minimize the chance of word getting out. We should not just write off anything a woman does as inherently beyond critique because “feminism is about choice.” Nor should we attack or berate individual women who, like most of us, are doing their best to live out their values while also enjoying their lives. This includes respecting all the traditional rituals, from asking her dad at the outset to bending on one knee in the moment. Our lives don’t, and can’t, always line up perfectly with our politics. Promise. If her parents are still married, and you happen to call at a time when only one is available, simply say that you have something you want to ask them, but would like to wait until you can ask them both together, and when would be a good time to do so. Did Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler Reunite? Prepare to ask a girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage by calling him up and setting an appointment with the preface that you have some good news. “Asking her father for her hand in marriage before you ask her, may seem cheesy, but it also may endear you to her folks (priceless) and not doing so may disappoint,” she said in an interview. This is obviously less egregious than a man talking to his partner’s father before ever seriously discussing marriage plans with her, and then springing a surprise proposal on her (please, every woman reading this, if your boyfriend does this, run away as fast as you can – major life decisions are not best made by surprise, and being forced to utter a split second yes/no to marriage is not romantic; it’s a sign you’re too immature to get married). Proposal Photos That Will Make You Believe in Love. It could be considered sexist if your GF is the … And yet no matter how you do it, it’s still hard to deny that asking a father specifically – asking for permission, or his blessing – plays into long-standing and deeply-held misogynist ideas of what marriage is for. Alas, in their reckless pursuit for total equality, the baby boomers have razed the male hierarchy, and today young men approach their girlfriends’ dads with the goal of becoming “buddies.”. If she’s a woman who values family but doesn’t hold on tight to traditions, then make sure her family is aware of the proposal. If Dad withheld his blessing, share that information with her so you and she can deal with those issues as a team. Are you still supposed to ask a girls father before you propose to her? What are the man’s most important values? If at all possible, make this a face-to-face meeting. And some of the most stubborn and more literal incarnations of a sexist culture come along with weddings – which is why, uncomfortable though it may be, those of us who want a more egalitarian society must take a hard look at how wedding rituals undermine that goal. We may earn commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we love. Why You Have To Ask Her Father Why You Have To Ask Her Father Before You Propose. But some women might be offended by the act. So you need to maximize it by going 100% cheesy, rose petals and all. Author has 7.1K answers and 5M answer views. Asking for permission only to … What the What? Her father passed away about three years ago. It's a deeply sexist practice. By: Sharp Staff | January 9, 2018 Tagged With: Marriage , Q&A100 , Relationships Are Overrated Anyway If your girl already knows .. then if possible, I would talk to her parents just before I plan to formerly propose. “I was only 24 years old at the time. And even if her father said no (he won’t), it’s not going to stop the two of you from doing it anyway. Should they live far away, try to call at a time when you think they'll be home. By contrast, only 58 percent of brides say they knew a proposal was coming, but just weren’t sure when – for 40 percent, it was a complete surprise. Do you agree on core values and big dreams? In a marriage, you should respect your partner first and foremost. Men used to call their fathers-in-law “Sir” and made a show of losing games of canasta to them. Asking Her Parents For Permission Before You Propose It’s traditional to ask your true love’s father for permission before you propose, or to ask both parents for their blessing. Talk to the parents .. then propose directly after that. In its 2015 Jewelry and Engagement Study, the Knot found that 77 percent of grooms asked permission from the bride’s father or parents before proposing, up … If at all possible, make this a face-to-face meeting. Time to Get You Le Best IG Caption, These Dresses Make Me Wanna Go to a Wedding So Bad, Calling All Brides: The *Best* Registry Gifts, Jill Filipovic is a contributing writer for. It’s respectful: visiting her father before the proposal shows that you care about both your fiancee’s wishes (assuming she would want you to ask for his blessing) and her father’s wishes, too. You've picked the perfect evening, and the perfect location, and you've even saved up to purchase the perfect ring. Here are 9 tips to help you prepare for the big discussion before you propose. As love has become more important to marriage than money and joining families, the traditions have changed too. What's left to do? Should you ask her father before you pop the question? , Prince Harry Speaks out about the SoulCycle At-Home Bike her and her father life... Still supposed to ask her father, make sure that you ’ disrespecting... Links on this page, but we only recommend products we love of a Date, about... Respect, but quaint way of doing things outset to bending on one knee ). Your girlfriend are on the relationship you first talk to her parents as soon possible... His girlfriend ’ s father for her hand in marriage is more out of than. Don ’ t Want should i ask her father before i propose talk with your Significant Other first do not recommend you to ask a girls before! In love read this expert advice on who to ask, how to ask a girls father you! 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